Mystical, magical Bali. Land of artists, beaches, tranquil forests . . . and thieves. Every damn one of them. O.K., I’m sorry, I hate to diss an entire island, but these people are just unbelievably dishonest. Now I’ve travelled about Asia and a lot of the rest of the world a good deal, so it’s not like I’m a dumb tourist who thinks everything should be just like the good old US of A. And I’ve lived in several locales that are major tourist centers so I fully understand the importance of the touri dollar on locals. But ripping off every one of them as often as you can has just not been my experience previously.

About Exchanging Money
Did my research prior to going and chuckled at the warnings about carefully counting your money before walking away from an exchange booth. I hardly ever do. But for some reason I did at the second exchange I made (I’ll tell you about the first in a sec.). The guy quickly counted out my rupiah, for some reason into several little piles, switching bills from one stack to another. Looked like a three card monte game which must have been what tipped me off. I gathered the bills up and counted again and sure enough I was 50,000 rupiah short (which is like $3 US). Called him on it and he brought his hand back up from under the counter with a 50,000 bill in it and handed it to me like, “Oh, was this yours?” Asshole.

The first exchange? At the airport. The minimum wage clerk carefully eyeballed the $100 bill I’d handed her and then pronounced it counterfeit. Right. $100 US would feed her entire family for the next year. The clerk at the next exchange booth thought that was pretty funny and exchanged the bill for me without any problem. Chalked it up to a weird clerk and thought nothing of it until I ran into the same problem again and again.

So here’s a tip for you: when travelling to Bali only bring nice new clean fresh $100 bills, no older than 2 years. My 1996 series bills seemed to be a real scare to the exchangers and I had to hit three exchangers and two banks one day (including the hotel front desk) before I found one who would take it but only if I’d agree to a lower exchange rate (which worked out to be under $1). Fuck ‘em.

Getting the feeling I wasn’t real pleased with my stay in Bali?

About Island Artists
Let’s talk about art. It’s not what you will find in Bali even though the island is touted as being a mecca for artists. The artesian villages inland around Ubud about which all the guidebooks sing praises are not the picturesque artists enclaves you’d imagine but instead are a series of concrete homes/shops lining the major road. I stayed in Mas which is close to Ubud and billed as a village filled with artists specializing in wood carving. True. It was close to Ubud and there were lots of wood carvers. And all of them sell carved wood frogs standing on their hind legs with an umbrella over their head. Yep, art at it’s finest.

Ubud itself is supposedly ringed with villages of painters. Again, true. But the drek they are turning out barely qualifies above paint by numbers and if you visit any of the galleries (which is not hard to do because every damn taxi, etc. you get in will take you to at least one no matter where it was you wanted to go) you’ll see a dozen or so locals sitting on the floor churning out these works of art. And then asking hundreds of dollars (US, not Indonesian) for them.

About Bali-Style Bathrooms
A Bali style bathroom means it is open to the outside. I purposely selected two of the three hotels I stayed at because the rooms offered these rest rooms, envisioning starting every day taking a shower surrounded by lush tropical bathrooms. Well, besides thieves the island is plagued by mosquitoes. Try enjoying a morning shower while being bombarded by swarms of the little blood suckers. And we won’t even get into the fun of sitting on a toilet while experiencing the same.

About Taxis And Transportation
Every vehicle on the roads in Bali is for hire. And they’ll let you know it by slowing down and honking at you. Like they were going to luck out when the other 30 cars that just did the same failed to entice you into being a passenger. And if you, for some reason, couldn’t figure out why they were all honking at you, don’t despair. About every 50 feet one, or a group, of locals will be standing on the sidewalk and will say, “transport!” as you walk by.

And if you do decide to take any of these folk up on their offer of transport, you’ll then get to bargain over the price.Now I’ve haggled prices with folk in numerous asian countries and generally enjoy the process. But these folk start with the attitude that you are just plain stupid, starting with a quote of a few hundred thousand rupiah when the cost should be 10,000 or less. Just another chance to rip off the touri.

About Ubud
Ubud is a village in the mountains, inland and is billed as a retreat from the hustle and bustle of the beach areas. The main part of Ubud is anchored by the infamous Monkey Forest, where the monkeys exhibit their local charm by trying to rip off any food or other stuff you are carrying. The main street of Ubud is extremely hilly and lined with small stores selling all the stuff you’ve already seen elsewhere, maybe a bit cheaper but only if you bargain hard. The opposite end of the main street is where the market is and you will there find all of the same merchandise again but with vendors who are more pushy than those in the store. Stick to the outside stalls, inside they surround a humongous garbage heap . . . not very picturesque. And the upstairs stalls have nothing different to offer except a total lack of a breeze. You’d think you’d get better prices upstairs as they get fewer customers, but instead their attitude is to make up on their lack of profits by gouging you even more.

Thanks to the reality of Ubud, I cancelled the part of my trip that would have taken me to places that even the overly optimistic guide books considered to be rife with aggressive vendors (who tend to gather wherever the touri do) and extended my stay in Sanur instead.

About Being A Bit More Positive
I’ve got to be honest, unlike the Balinese, and admit part of my disillusionment with the island was a case of expectations not met. I’d expected Hawaii with a bit more of the exotic and people as friendly as they are in Thailand. I’d read so much about Bali being a tropical paradise that the reality of Bali was like a slap in the face . . . with a 100 lb. mackerel. But there were some good points. First, provided you are willing to bargain hard, it’s cheap. Real cheap. And the food was great, and also cheap. I practically lived on chicken satay and even bought one of the small clay bar-b-ques the restaurants use to cook and serve the satay to you.

One day after a long morning walk through Kuta I stopped at an open air restaurant across from the beach and the waitress brought over a small glass of an orange concoction as a welcome. Was yummy! Turned out to be a frozen margarita and I consumed several that afternoon. Wasn’t the discovery I’d planned on for Bali, but ya gotta take your thrills where you find them.

Laying pool side in the afternoon at my hotel in Kuta watching all the kites soaring through the sky was also a pleasant experience and one unique to the island. I also spent time on the beach at Kuta, but as beaches go it wasn’t very clean and just about the time you’d relaxed into that “ah, paradise” mood another vendor would try selling you some over priced trinket of which you’d seen a few hundred already on your walk to the beach. But I’m getting negative again.

Bali coffee is fantastic. I like exceptionally strong java. Bali coffee is powdered and you put a spoonful in a cup of hot water, just like instant. So I bought lots in small bags to take travelling with me.

A Final Word On Bali
My recommendation on a trip to Bali? Go to Phuket in Thailand instead. The beaches are more pristine and the water more blue. The people are friendlier and not interested in only ripping you off. Everything you can buy in Bali you can buy in Phuket for the same price or cheaper. There are maybe not as many temples and wats, but enough for most to get their fill. You can ride elephants and trek through the jungles in Phuket too, and the night life is even better. The only thing Bali has that Phuket lacks is an over abundance of Aussies . . . and that may not be a bad thing.

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