Just couldn't wait, could you? Saw Bangkok and started hitting the old mouse. I don't blame you, it's without a doubt my favorite city to visit. In fact I usually fly there and use it as a base for other travels in Asia. The (cheap) food alone is worth the trip!

And since I mentioned the food, let's talk:

The Trails & Tribulations Of Thai Dining: OrWaiter, There's A Fly In My Soup!

In all honesty, some of the best meals I've had have been in Thailand. And the food, generally, is very cheap. But that doesn't mean your dining experience will not be, well, an experience.

Yes, the hotel's breakfast buffett will be cold and you may find a gnat or two in your OJ, but think of the assorted critters as a source of protien and, hey, afterall, it's a free meal!

Yes, everytime you order a club sandwich it will be different, even when from the same restaurant. Though bread and egg will always be part of it. Past that there may or may not be some meat, and if so the type can be just about anything on earth. But then why in the hell are you ordering American food in Thailand anyway? Unless it's just for the experince of seeing what you get.

And yes, that meat on the grill of the sidewalk vendor probably only looks like chicken. But then drunk at 2 AM should you really be concerned for your health in food choice since everything you did for the last four hours and everything you’re planning on doing for the next 2 is probably a greater risk to your well-being than the skewered pieces of meat before you? And besides, there are few culinary treats as tasty as munching on Thai street meat while sitting on the curb in Patpong in the early hours of the morning.

But get past all of those American tourist hangups and get real: This ain’t the U.S.! You’ve broadened your life experience already by flying off to a foreign land, now let go and enjoy it.

On Thai Dining Customs:
Thai people eat constantly, or so it seems. The norm here is numerous small meals throughout the day rather than the three square meals you are used to. Not a bad routine to adopt on your visit; you will always be full, you’ll get to try more dishes, and you won’t cause a minor traffic jam of locals gawking at the weird Americans whose table is laden with enough food to feed a small family of twelve for the week. The downside? As a fellow traveller said: “One fart and you’re hungry again.”

OK, pretend you have some cultural sense: Do not ask for chopsticks to eat Thai cuisine. Only a few Thai dishes are eaten with chopsticks, in which case they’ll be provided. The standard utensils are fork and spoon.

Most Thai dining is done family style. That means all of the dishes are placed in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. So to do it right, you and your mate and/or friends can all order a dish you like, but when they are served everyone gets to eat off all of the dishes rather than hog the cashew chicken to themselves. And don’t get annoyed if all the dishes you order don’t come at the same time. Since Thais usually share everything they order, it doesn’t matter to them which item comes out first.

There’s a bit more to this than just sharing: First, the big spoon at your table setting. It’s not there so you can shovel larger portions into your mouth. Use it to scoop a portion off the main dishes with the idea of taking a spoonful of rice, topping it with a spoonful of one of the dishes and then eating each dish one by one in this combination. Second, the big spoon at your table setting. Just ‘cuz you can fit lots of food on it doesn’t mean you should. A serving of each dish is eaten at a time, not eight or nine spoonfuls. Finish one then go for another you pig!

Now if you really want to show you know what you’re doing use your fork to push food onto the spoon . . . not your serving spoon, dummy, you’re eating now not putting food on your plate. The pushing motion should be toward yourself, if you really want to get this right. Then use the spoon to eat. Boy, do I have to teach you everything?

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